About ragnora

I was an emotional support human. The adults in my life couldn’t handle their emotions and definitely couldn’t handle children that had emotions or a personality separate from themselves. I was always shut down and disassociated. I learned very early that other humans just take and hurt. I had always handled everything on my own.

I could get so much done on my own anyway. Working was the best way I hurt myself. I could do that grind and get amazing results. Do things that people would say would be impossible to do in the time frame I could complete them. My grades were great, my test scores were high. From the outside nothing was wrong. No one looked too hard at me. I was “successful”. Turn off the emotions and overclock the brain. It became the only space I was calm. This worked wonderfully until it was the only time my subconscious could work out problems.

About 3/4s through college was when the cPTSD broke me. I kept having mental breakdowns where I would realized fucked things about my past and cripple myself in the present. I couldn’t work with the demons creeping in and I couldn’t relax because of the guilt of existing. And again, the demons were always lurking. The depression, anxiety, dissociation from myself, the adhd of trying to avoid it all ramped up into bipolar disorder. I was stuck in this limbo of half realization, half denial. Confused and angry all the time. I was having thought avalanches where the ptsd would reveal some truth that had me rethinking fundamental parts of my life. Why I would react to normal situations as if it was life or death. How and why I am who I am. I’d recover barely, be able to maintain the appearance of normalcy, continue on as if nothing was wrong. But every time the demons would come back and hit harder until there was no way to ignore the overwhelming truth that something was very wrong. I needed to run. I needed to get away from.. something.  Drive really far away and fresh start this shit or hard reboot myself… turn everything off and hopefully come back on without all the buggy code.

I tried to go to the on-campus mental health department as well as a number of outside psych places. They were all swamped with all the other suicidal people and told me to just pick up some slips of paper with positive pretty quotes to keep me going through these dark times.

This is why I started Notes to Self. Some fucking “believe in yourself =)” “look for the positive!” bullshit wasn’t going to cut it. If there’s this much of the youth trying to kill themselves we need a much bigger solution to this mental health crisis than some fucking cute slips of paper and bottle of pills to keep the demons at bay. One day I’ll make a book on all the notes to self that helped me survive this long. Hopefully it’ll help others. Since I’ve been more open about my mental health shit, others have responded. And there’s a lot of us. Those who deal with demons.

I have come to the conclusion that there is no god, and if there is one, it’s not benevolent. Because the shit I had to survive at such a young age, the violence and neglect is unfathomable. There is too much evil at work today. No one should be suicidal at age 4.

But still here and still breathing and all that. So maybe that’s all there is. The choice to keep going despite it all. Despite the evil that we witness and has been done to us. The choice to raise above the instinct to hate. To choose to the light despite the dark. We wake up everyday with the ability to choose. If we choose patience with others and especially ourselves, bit by bit, it does get better. These violent evil events that broke us should have never happened in the first place. It’s time to stop hating yourself. Stop building your world on hate and competition. We are not our enemies. 

Our enemies are the ones that let this evil and apathy persist. It’s the ones that teach us hate and make profit on it. They train us to be apathetic to take our power away. It make us think there’s nothing we can do. So we waste what little energy we have left squabbling amidst ourselves instead of organizing and preventing this fucking shit from happening again and again and again. This trauma is intergenerational. 

Maybe… we are the gods. We build our realities with what we allow ourselves to believe. What we allow to steer us through life. What put our energy in. Each of us has power within us to do with whatever we choose. Just depends on how you want to spend your time and energy. We could use this energy to heal ourselves and build a better reality to exist in together. We don’t have to spend our time here anxious and in pain.

It’s time to get yourself right and deal with your shit cuz there’s about to be some cosmic, society-shifting, battle at the end of the world type shit about to pop off. 

And I’m gonna start it

-ragnora_